Rules for Guys: What I Learned Dating...

I was pretty inept on the dating scene for a long time. I never managed to become skilled at it, but I did learn a few rules that would benefit the most inept single guys.

Rule 1: Don't scare the girl!

Seriously, lots and lots of guys screw this up. You never get anywhere if you scare the girl. The way to make sure you don't scare the girl is to say "If I were a girl and a guy did this to me, would I be frightened?" For instance, staring at a girl intently across the room -- scary. Smiling at her when something funny happens or when she smiles at you -- not scary. Tracking down her email address on the internet and emailing her -- scary (unless you're really good at introductory email messages that diffuse any scariness). Saying "wow, you look nice" on the street, with no follow-up sentence -- scary! Asking for her number or giving her your number before you've had any conversation or positive signs -- SCARY!

Rule 2: Always pay for first dinner!

Always, always, always pay for dinner. Even if it requires armwresting your date, you must pay for the first dinner. Some girls want to split bills, but never allow this on the first date. Even if she's one of those people who would prefer to split, her friends aren't like that and will think you're undeserving!

Rule 3: Always follow through on her friend's advice!

Girls tell each other everything. Her friend will also tell you everything you need to know if she likes you. Always, always, always do what the friend says even if it sounds ridiculous. You don't have to listen to the friend's relationship advice or general abstract principles, but if the friend says "you have to call her tonight" or "she'd really like these types of flowers for Valentine's Day" then you do it. No questions asked!

Rule 4: Don't slow-play a good hand!

If the girl likes you the only way to screw up is to not pursue her. If the girl doesn't like you, you're going to look like a stalker no matter what. Slow-playing a good hand is precarious business.

Lots of guys try not to seem like a stalker, so they go slow in the beginning. Oh, I won't call her back for three days so I don't seem too desperate. If the girl likes you, you can be the most desperate guy in the world and she's not likely to notice. If she doesn't like you, you can be the kindest most respectful guy in the whole world and she'll probably still think you're a stalker. Remember the first rule and don't scare the girl, but don't slow-play a good hand.

Rule 5: Fail fast!

If there's no chemistry, give up and move on. Even if you're interested, if she's not interested, it's over. No use prolonging it. Learn to detect positive body language. I practiced by watching Blind Date on Tivo at 2x speed with no sound. Watch the girl and the guy's body language. If she's turned straight toward him with hands/body open, then she's interested. Otherwise she's not. After a few tries, you can predict the outcome of Blind Date 100% of the time. Try it, it works.